I want to start by apologizing to everyone that I have not been able to respond to and also to those that I’ve talked to but haven’t been able to offer any comfort or explanation....
I hope this gives you some peace.
I can’t even believe I’m writing this, it still all seems so surreal, but I need to help the other people in Jackie’s life understand these last 9 weeks. She would want you to know. It is the only thing I can do for the best friend I loved with every inch of my being. It’s long winded and I’m sorry for that but I need her friends and family to know that this was not a selfish act, that she believed with all of her heart that this was the only way to protect her family. These were not rational thoughts but they were real to her and her disease prevented her from seeing any different outcome.
We were just reminiscing on my birthday, the last time I saw her alive, that we had been together for 18 years, exactly half of our lives, and how lucky we were to have each other and to have the kind of friendship that lasts a lifetime. We truly believed that God meant for us to be together, that we were meant to be sisters. We lived through every moment of our lives together, we talked every morning on our way out the door, if even only for a moment, just to hear the other's voice. I have her story to tell and it is an important one, one she would want people to hear so that they could understand and so maybe they could help someone else someday or at least remove some of the stigma that sticks to mental illness and won’t let go.
Many of you were there through Jackie’s anticipation of Cole’s arrival. Actually she was anticipating his arrival even before he was conceived. She wanted more than anything in this world to be a mother, she told me time and again that being a mother was the thing she wanted more than anything in this world. She was the most amazing aunt to my children, she was there for every birth, birthday, sickness, skating match, dance recital, and on and on. To us she was like a ray of sunshine dashing in and out bringing love and comfort and laughter – we were so lucky to have her.
I knew she would make the most amazing mother, not only because of the way she was with my own children but because of her determination to do so. During her pregnancy she watched everything she ate, read countless books, talked to other mothers, drove her doctors a little crazy, she wanted to make sure that she did everything in her power to protect him. After he was born she was delighted beyond words with her beautiful baby boy. Mike and Jackie were a cohesive team; they were all so in love, it was beautiful to see the love they had for one another and their joy at the beginning of their life as a family.
Then like so many things in life, there were some complications… After a week or so of nursing Cole she realized that he was not thriving and it was determined that he had a very fixable issue called tongue-tie that prevented him from properly latching and getting the proper amount of breast milk. The fix was simple and after his procedure he was able to suck again properly but the time spent not properly feeding had affected her milk supply and she was not able to continue nursing. She was devastated and this might sound crazy to some but when you set your heart on something, when you want that for your baby so much, that can truly feel devastating. She tried everything to get her milk back but nothing worked, she needed to pack their home and prepare for their move to Florida, all of this was stressful on a new mother... And then the symptoms began.... She told us that she wasn’t able to sleep, she didn’t understand, she went night after night, exhausted, desperately wanting to sleep so that she could take care of Cole but nothing worked. People came to help, they stayed up nights, let her rest but still no sleep. The days and especially the nights dragged on, the doctors started prescribing sleeping pills, anti-depressants, it seemed like a different cocktail at every appointment. Jackie was horrified that she needed these drugs, she was afraid to take them, she had never taken anything like this before and she didn’t like feeling out of control but she tried, for Cole and Mike, so that she could get better and take care of her family. And so it was the perfect storm, a new mom just days post partum after a c-section, a lot of stress in a short amount of time on someone that was so focused on making this go ‘right’. All of the ingredients were there that trigger post partum depression and by the time we all realized what we were dealing with she was already immersed in this painful struggle.
We saw countless doctors, Mike had to report early to Florida so we all tried to help her get the help she needed here in Raleigh finally culminating in her mother’s brave decision to have her admitted into the UNC Clinic for PPD. The Air force was gracious and allowed Mike to come home and help Jackie through her therapy. She finished her treatment, packed their things, they had a plan and she was so hopeful with her husband and baby back by her side. The doctors encouraged her to make the move, to start her new life in Florida with her family. None of us wanted them to be apart any longer. You could see the difference in her demeanor when Mike was there, he calmed her, he was her rock and her everything, she wanted to get better for him and Cole. When she got to Florida she started to see another doctor, she was still struggling to sleep, to manage the fog that the medications were causing but she was fighting, she wanted to get better.
She called me from FL and said ‘this new doctor says on a scale of 1-4 I’m a 1! I can’t believe it, he made some more changes to my meds but he doesn’t think I’m in bad shape’. Every time she saw another doctor there was hope in her voice, she didn’t understand why nothing was working for her but for Mike and Cole she would try again and do what they said. During this time we don’t think she was being honest with anyone about the severity of her thoughts and it was easy to hide it when she only had to answer to a few people, her network of friends were here and she was there still fighting to save her family and keep up a brave face for Mike & Cole. She desperately didn’t want her struggles to affect Mike’s job and his tremendous opportunity in Florida. She wanted to protect him no matter what.
For those of you who she ignored and shut out during this time, please know that she desperately wanted to call you back but she was so overwhelmed with the thought of having to tell the people that loved her that she had failed, that she was lost and that she was fighting this disease. She felt hopeless, ashamed, lost and she couldn’t face lying to anyone about how she was doing. She told me countless times how much she wanted to get back to her friends and family that were reaching out to her but that she just couldn’t find the strength. And so two weeks ago Jackie was admitted again to a hospital in FL and we all thought she would focus on getting sleep and deal with this severe post partum depression under the direct care of trained physicians. I talked to her every day while she was there, she told me that she wanted me to call just so that she could just hear my voice but she wasn’t able to offer much information about her treatment except that she desperately missed Mike and Cole but that she didn’t want to leave the hospital until she was much better and able to take care of herself and Cole. There was yet another doctor at that hospital that took her off one of her main treatments and started something new. This instilled hope again, she felt like this time the treatment was going to work.
From here, none of us truly know what happened. I believe that she did start to sleep better [with medication] but that her days were still haunted by her inability to form thoughts, make decisions and take on daily tasks. She said she couldn’t find words when she went to speak, she couldn’t choose a salad dressing at the grocery store, she couldn’t remember whose keys were in her purse. And the psychosis that is involved in extreme cases of post partum depression like this causes victims to believe irrational ideas. She believed that she would not come out of this, she believed that she had lost herself and her mind, that the person Mike married was gone and that Cole’s Mom was no longer qualified to care for him. She couldn’t see an end in sight, no matter how hard we all tried to convince her that it would come, that she would get better, she was discouraged beyond repair. In the end she believed that she was protecting Cole. She didn’t want to make a mistake in her fog and harm him in some way. She no longer trusted herself. She couldn’t tell if she was losing her mind because of the sleep deprivation or if it was the meds. I believe it was a combination and in the end she used those very drugs she hated from the start to end her suffering.
That is her story, as simply as I could tell it.
Her Mom & Dad fought like crazy to save her while she was in their care here in Raleigh. I’ve never seen bravery like I did in Valerie the day she brought her to UNC and the love and pain in their eyes every day would bring you to your knees. Jackie knew how much she was loved by her parents, how much they had put into trying to help her get better and what great parents they themselves had been to her throughout her life. They were her shining example of love.
And Mike & his Mom, Mary. We are forever indebted to you for your bravery these last weeks. Mike, you were her everything, her knight in shining armor, her best friend, the love of her life that she waited for all these years for. I know she wouldn’t trade one single moment of your love and would do it all again even if it meant your time together was cut short. Mary, your support of Jackie during this time was unwavering and we are all humbled by your love and the support you gave Jackie. You were there when no one else could be and you were her rock, she leaned on you and you never waivered.
Jenny, Amy, Leslie, Ron, and Chris she held on to your support, you were amazing to be there the way you were. Jenny, you helped her hold on at the end, I know she was comforted by your presence and your talks and of course the love you showed Cole.
To all of her friends and family that felt shut out – she couldn’t face letting you down but she loved you and she knew through your calls and messages that she is was in your thoughts and prayers.
To the Air force and their wives and all the other people that helped us search for and find our sweet Jackie, we are truly thankful. The way you have embraced Mike & Cole is a comfort beyond words.
And to our sweet baby Cole, know that above all else your Mommy loved you like she never thought she could love. She talked to you while you were in her belly, she loved being pregnant and feeling your little body grow inside her. When you were born she adored every inch of you, she was enthralled. When she got your baby pictures she loved every one so much she couldn’t choose. She loved to look at you, to hold you, to marvel in how perfect you are. She LOVED LOVED LOVED you with all her being and she wants you to know that. We will all do everything in our power to keep her alive in your heart. You will hear stories, see her beautiful face and feel her love all around you. She is there watching every minute, she is your angel. I know she is with you.
Please spread the word about Post Partum Depression. We all fought hard for Jackie but there was more that could have been done to help her. There were definitely some failures during her treatment but the biggest ones we still have the power to change for other victims. First and foremost there is an incredibly strong stigma attached to mental illness, a stigma that Jackie herself struggled with every day these past 9 weeks. And second there is a lack of awareness of signs and symptoms – the only information Jackie had about this was a pamphlet in her going home packet from the hospital. We owe it to these Moms, to these families, to do more.
Please remember and celebrate Jackie as the vivacious, fun loving, hard working, beautiful daughter, wife, mother, and friend that she was. We owe that to her so that her little boy can know her too.
This was the quilt square she made for my wedding quilt. She asked me to do just that here and she even has an angel behind her words. I'll play back her song forever, for as long as I live.
- Quilt
Love,
Andrea
Arrangements:
Calling Hours:
Wednesday, September 18 from 6-8
Brown-Wynne Funeral Home
300 Saint Mary’s Street
Raleigh, NC 27605
Memorial Service:
Thursday, September 19 @ 2:00
Edenton Street United Methodist Church
228 W Edenton Street, Raleigh, NC 27603.
Reception immediately following in Kerr Hall
